Cross Cultural Connection - the gaps and difficulties

India. So far I am learning how much I take my assumptions about culture for granted. I assume people are self determined and connected to their creativity.  I assume everyone knows how to conduct a meeting, or what goals are, or what action planning is…

Yet as I get underneath the surface of a culture that has so much colour and vibrancy I am shocked to see the levels of hierarchy that mean so many people surrender to the will of others without question. In some ways I can see how that would take away the stress of choice, but it also takes away the joy of expression.

After conducting a 2 day Open Space Technology workshop on Communication with and NGO I am aware that language is far greater than words. Translating a concept into another language takes a lot more than saying the concept in the words of the local language. It is about understanding the way a culture thinks, how they have grown up, their expectations of themselves and others, their roles and the mediums they use to convey a message. In the West we are comfortable with the abstract and conceptual. I am learning that story telling is much more powerful here.

The culture in India is one where students in schools are taught very early that they are to absorb knowledge, not to challenge it. That you respect authority and do what you are told the way you are told to do it. For a convict city girl from the penal colonies of Australia the Indian relationship to authority is quite a shock. In Australia we have a relatively low view of authority. We will respect skilled managers, but we won’t respect someone just because they are a manager. And I am even worse than many at coping with being told what to do, which is why I have my own business and am accountable to myself primarily.

So there I was in a workshop with about 80 staff in Pune, India. I had prided myself on spending the four weeks leading up to the workshop preparing staff by talking about the concept of everyone’s voice being equal at the workshop and dissolving hierarchy for the 2 days. The Team Leaders had said they were happy to support their staff. So why was there a paralysed stillness when people were invited to put topics on the wall and self organise into groups and start their discussions? The translation into Marathi had been carefully created. I was confident that the instructions were clear. So if the instructions were clear why was there no action?

It occurred to me that it is not only the language gap but also the cultural gap that is a challenge for me. To walk in the shoes and see through the eyes of people who have grown up in this culture is difficult. I have found myself judging and getting frustrated when I know that the way things are done here is not wrong, it is just different. It is arrogant of me to say that the concept of self-organising requires a level of autonomy that is alien to many of the participants, because the Indian culture is the most self organising I have seen. Yet to consciously self organise or be called to do it was something I found difficult to communicate clearly. I did not know what the gap was and spoke to Bipin, my translator about what was missing? It is about finding the connection point between different worlds and the generosity of the participants in teaching me that I have work to do before getting their world is a gift. After discussing it with Bipin, he then went to the small groups and invited them to select topics and the ice was broken. Movement began.

After weeks of speaking about equality, the Team Leaders had an opportunity to see themselves and how they reacted to a lack of clear structure. It was an invitation to trust both the process and their staff. To let go. I have yet to meet with them to hear their reflections about the process and their own reactions.

After an hour or so of messy confusion things started to take shape and by the end of day 1 the staff had mastered the process. They were using the law of 2 feet and organising themselves impressively. It was a joy to see. The Team Leaders had let go and were also trusting the process. The process was working its magic.

Sitting with the chaos of it was uncomfortable for. I got to see how insecure I get when I am not able to read my audience and when I encounter the gap in communication that comes with different cultures. It requires flexibility, a willingness to learn and a trust in people to navigate the unknown. 

A New Adventure...

And so I made my choice, for now. I am in India. Pune to be exact. Pune is more western than I expected. A gentle transition for me into my 3 months of Indian life. My choice to follow my dream is exciting and fulfilling, with a sense that I am moving forward in my life again. I am no longer stuck and am being true to who I am and what I need to do at this point in my life. Leaving the safety net of work and the familiarity of Australia has meant that I have no option but to trust life, and allow life to enrich, shape and stretch me into a wiser and more authentic version of myself. I have trimmed my life down to some boxes stored under a friend’s house and one 23kg suitcase plus laptop. Somehow that suitcase seems to spill out and fill a room very easily to create a home (perhaps mess is a more accurate description) wherever I am. Three Australian animal puppets accompany me as ways of reaching people in a fun way. Pete the pudgy possum, Dan the Tassie Devil and Wally the wacky wombat.  Stay tuned for their crazy adventures!

My work at Deep Griha begins in a couple of days. My role is to coach the senior team leaders to form a strong team and more effective communication structures. It is always about communication in the end. How do we want to be seen by others and our role in how we are perceived. If there is a gap between how we want to be perceived and how we are in reality perceived, that is the point of growth.

If we are honest with ourselves we can all see ways that we sabotage or undermine ourselves. Being open to looking at where we trip ourselves up and freeing ourselves to fly takes commitment and trust. It is heartening to know that it is a part of the human journey wherever I am in the world that we get tangled up through ego and miscommunication. Heartening because it helps me not to punish myself for my own foibles and it gives me compassion for other people. I know I will learn as much as I give in my role at Deep Griha. It is my hope that when we trust our real intentions and big picture commitments in life we can go beyond the bumps in the road that stop us. My role is to create the safety for people to let their guard down and connect more authentically with themselves and others in a way that is beyond the petty differences we use as an excuse to judge and hurt ourselves and others. Once that is achieved it is difficult to avoid being inspired by ourselves and others in recognition of our common humanity.  

Radio Interview - fulfilling your dream

I was interviewed on Hobart radio last week. http://ultra106five.com/audio/Celia%20Bray%2026Sept%202011.mp3

Finding our own truth

I am in a muddle. What to do? I feel compelled by my dream to travel overseas and do international peace-building work. As a result of my inner push to do peace-building I am leaving Australia for India in October this year. Making the decision to follow my heart feels easy on one level and difficult on another. On one level it is a relief to trust my passion. But our culture trains us to fear letting go. So there is  a niggling fear in my mind about the future. When I let go of the need to accumulate 'things/stuff' the voices of our culture whisper in my ear 'but what about security' and 'you need assets to support you in the future' and 'you are being irresponsible'...

Yet accumulating assets is not my dream. I want to have enough to live, and what is enough? Accumulating wealth and assets may be your dream, and if it is then I am impressed, perhaps even jealous. My dream is our planet without violence. My dream is a world where we can live together in harmony. It is an ideal. it is not achievable and it does not have any regard for material wealth. I feel like I 'should' want more security. But I don't. I see myself  as a visitor in the world and it is freeing to travel light. It  is about trust.

But what about the dream society tells us about family. As a woman, surely I should want to be in a stable relationship and have kids. My brother asked me when I am going to settle down. I do not know if I want that dream. It does not speak to me clearly like travelling overseas, yet what is the truth here?  I have never been great at relationships, so perhaps the truth is that I am scared of them and to allow myself to fall in love, commit and settle down is on a core level more authentic than doing what I know I am good at - being free.

I have lived long enough to know that sometimes i think one thing is what I want, but really it is something altogether different. I used to think my mother was a controlling judgmental person and that I did not want anything to do with her. I realised through some confronting coaching that I pushed her away when I was very young because I did not think she wanted me and she had not stood a chance of being close to me after that. So one seeming truth was just a smokescreen for a  deeper longing for love. This realisation transformed my relationship with my mother into a wonderful relationship.

What I have got from writing this blog post is that when I am pulled by a positive and expansive energy towards something I need to trust it. When I am pushing away from someone or something due to anger or fear,  then it is not my real self making the decision, but anger and pain making the decision.

The point of this blog is that our personal truth is important, but sometimes it is difficult to figure out what that is. Let inspiration guide you and don't let pain make your decisions for you.

Language and Violence - are they linked?

What would need to happen to stop violence and war? What would human beings need to be willing to do in order to put down their weapons and refuse to use violence as an option?

Many people say that violence is not the answer. We say that violence is a terrible thing as people get hurt. If violence is so terrible why do we use it? There is always the option, ALWAYS the option to choose a peaceful path. Human beings are different from other species of animals because we have cognition, reason and choice. We choose violence. Why? Because sometimes peace can feel too difficult. Peace may require being willing to be wrong or to compromise. Peace may require expanding our world view. It seems that we are attached to being right. We are attached to our view of thee world and we get upset when someone threatens our view. Instead of taking the perspective that we can learn something, we try to shut down the other person's perspective. A perspective is a series of thoughts. And what are thoughts? How are they formed? How do you know your thought is the right one? Thoughts are created from language. Language is a form of communication that allows us to understand each other, yet with language we also get so much misunderstanding.

Does that mean that language is a cause of conflict in human beings? Through language we create meaning and through meaning we create reality. Ideology is created through language. My ideology is a  perspective formed from ideas I hear from those I respect. The  concept of  'I am right and you are wrong' is a phenomenon of language. If we did not have language we may use violence for basic survival but would we have wars? Without language, would a way of thinking, such as communism be a threat? Is it through language and meaning that we gave Jesus 'God' status? Would Islam exist if Mohammed didn't talk about his beliefs? Would there even be a concept of God? Would suicide bombers be willing to kill others and die themselves if they had not constructed a meaning about it all?  Does that mean we've made it all up?

Language is an abstraction of reality, not reality itself.  This suggests that we kill each other and ourselves based on the stuff we make up because we confuse our concepts with truth.

Alternatively, we could start creating positive and unifying concepts instead. If language is a key and it is an abstraction, then why don't we abstract reality in a positive way? Language gives us the freedom to create any interpretation we want. it is a gift and often we misuse it to undercut others or ourselves. Use your language for care, for strength, for love, for fun. Through how we think and speak we can change the world.

‘Between the idea and the reality falls the shadow’ T.S. Eliot

Have you ever had a fabulous idea that seemed to work well when you were thinking about it, but when you tried to implement the idea, it fell apart? We all have examples of where this happens. It may be our expectations of another person, where we walk away feeling disappointed and let down

Human beings are creative creatures. Any human made structure was once an idea. Cars, electricity, mobile phones, bread – absolutely anything that has not occurred through nature alone has been created by human beings. This is impressive. It shows that we create our reality. We live in a generation where many people have never lived in a reality without internet and mobile phones.

With so much evidence around us to suggest that we can create our reality, our destiny and shape the future, why do we struggle to take the risk to live our dreams? The same ideas that have created so much freedom for us, have also become our prison. We have invented a dependence on money, lost the capacity to survive in nature, and seem to think that material possessions are a major key to happiness. These ideas have become so normal to us that we often don’t question them. We have also created so many regulations that trying to be innovative can seem difficult.

How can I make a difference? How can YOU make a difference? Look around you, notice the miracle of the world humans have created (in all its complexity) and go out and contribute your creative genius to the mix, no matter how big or small your ideas.

Trying to force change - does it work?

I was at dinner with some other coaches and we were talking about change. As a psychologist I see a lot of people who are desperate to change. Their desire to change how they are feeling and/or their life circumstances is incredibly strong and yet they stay stuck, feeling more hopeless. Why is it the case that when we want change, often we are stuck?

The answer lies in the question. Wanting things to be different often keeps us stuck. When wanting change is a result of trying to escape what we have now, it means we are fighting our current experience of life. Change motivated by inspiration and what is possible is a space of true creativity and a powerful energy. Change motivated by aversion and the need to escape keeps us trapped. The situation we are in right now is just what it is. To say we want to be where we are not is to argue with reality – it is in its own way insane. Trying to change our experience of the present moment can only occur when we accept it, just as it is. Our experience of life is not determined by what is happening right now, it is 100% determined by our interpretation of what is happening.

An example is a client who says that they do not like feeling stressed or anxious. We have labelled stress, anxiety, anger, frustration and many other emotions as bad or wrong and as a result we try to run away from them. People think happiness is about nice feelings all the time. It is not. Happiness is being able to experience the whole, range of emotions and feelings we have without judgement and to see them for what they are – NORMAL. Once we accept what is, we can truly chose what we want to do. If we do not accept what is, then our choices are narrowed significantly as they evolve around escape from that which we find unacceptable.

The paradox is that once we accept what is, no matter how unpleasant, it loses its power. An exercise I use with clients is to exaggerate and focus exclusively on the emotion that they are trying to avoid. Their instructions are to find time in the day to generate that emotion and keep it strong, with no interruptions from happy emotions for a given period of time. Their job is to create that unpleasant emotion and keep it going. So many clients say ‘that will be easy because I always feel stressed’, but when they try it they cannot sustain it. When the stop trying to fight their experience, it changes, naturally, without effort. Change is the natural order of the universe, and so when we let the energy be, as it is, we also let it go. When we fight it we keep it stuck within us.

To exist? To live?

To exist

To live.

Between one and the other

Lie all the colours of the rainbow

lie the texture

the feel

of life

To merely exist can be a painful experience, as there is a part of our being that longs to live fully, to immerse ourselves in the richness of life. Yet sometimes we withdraw into our shell and hold ourselves tightly, not letting in anything that will risk our safety. That safety feels warm and familiar yet after a while it can feel suffocating and we may long to reach beyond it, but the fear. What do we do with the fear?

It is not fear that prevents us from stepping beyond the cocoon. It is not wanting to feel fear that is its own prison.

This may seem a confusing distinction, but it is pivotal to living life fully. You will feel fear every time you stretch yourself. Fear and excitement are closely linked. Fear can be seen as excitement without the support or belief you can succeed. Consider the possibility of bundling up your fear, taking it with us and stepping out anyway. Step out at your own pace - it does not have to be a huge step to be significant. It is a step. Wrap up your fear and carry it with you when you step out. If you can let yourself feel your fear then it can be a powerful way to live. You do not need to be free of fear before you live fully. Feeling fear is part of living fully. Embrace it. if you know in your heart what you want to do but fear is stopping you from taking a step - be brave. not listening to your heart can have big implications on your fulfillment in life. Bury it and you will wonder where your passion has gone. Remember - any step in the direction of your passion is fantastic. Celebrate it!

Leadership - love it or hate it?

So you think you are a leader? Perhaps you want to be a leader? Or do you hate the concept of leadership? I think many confuse leadership with power. We see people who have the power to make decisions that effect our lives and we see them make choices we disagree with. We see people leading countries that justifying killing people. However, how about we look at leadership from another angle.

A question for you. Do you want to be free to express yourself? Do you want to fully accept and be at peace with all of who you are? Take a moment to remember a moment when felt at peace. If you have never felt that, take a moment to continue doing exactly what you are doing.

You know a leader when you see one because it has nothing to do with power. Real leaders are often not in positions of power, and some of the people who are in positions of power got there because they inspired other people with their leadership. In my experience, true leaders are those people who are totally at home with themselves and all of their humanity. They are not trying to be something they are not, Authenticity, or true self expression is attractive to us because their peace has the effect of bringing us home to ourselves somehow. They are usually very funny because they are light hearted about themselves and their humanity. True leaders inspires us to accept who we really are because they are fully themselves, and when you are fully yourself you are free. When you are fully yourself you do not feel the need to change other people to make you feel better because you realise that other people are not the source of your happiness. They shine a light within us and give us access to our own brilliance by being connected to their own brilliance. Real Leaders are open hearted and not threatened by others. They do not propagate hate, self sacrifice now for some apparent reward later - real leaders give us access to the best in ourselves.

Whatever your opinion of the word Leadership, consider that when you are profoundly connected and inspired by all of who YOU, and you life is a reflection of this, you inspire others. So be true to you. Let go of trying to be what you think other people want you to be and let yourself be brilliant in whatever way inspires you.