I was at dinner with some other coaches and we were talking about change. As a psychologist I see a lot of people who are desperate to change. Their desire to change how they are feeling and/or their life circumstances is incredibly strong and yet they stay stuck, feeling more hopeless. Why is it the case that when we want change, often we are stuck?
The answer lies in the question. Wanting things to be different often keeps us stuck. When wanting change is a result of trying to escape what we have now, it means we are fighting our current experience of life. Change motivated by inspiration and what is possible is a space of true creativity and a powerful energy. Change motivated by aversion and the need to escape keeps us trapped. The situation we are in right now is just what it is. To say we want to be where we are not is to argue with reality – it is in its own way insane. Trying to change our experience of the present moment can only occur when we accept it, just as it is. Our experience of life is not determined by what is happening right now, it is 100% determined by our interpretation of what is happening.
An example is a client who says that they do not like feeling stressed or anxious. We have labelled stress, anxiety, anger, frustration and many other emotions as bad or wrong and as a result we try to run away from them. People think happiness is about nice feelings all the time. It is not. Happiness is being able to experience the whole, range of emotions and feelings we have without judgement and to see them for what they are – NORMAL. Once we accept what is, we can truly chose what we want to do. If we do not accept what is, then our choices are narrowed significantly as they evolve around escape from that which we find unacceptable.
The paradox is that once we accept what is, no matter how unpleasant, it loses its power. An exercise I use with clients is to exaggerate and focus exclusively on the emotion that they are trying to avoid. Their instructions are to find time in the day to generate that emotion and keep it strong, with no interruptions from happy emotions for a given period of time. Their job is to create that unpleasant emotion and keep it going. So many clients say ‘that will be easy because I always feel stressed’, but when they try it they cannot sustain it. When the stop trying to fight their experience, it changes, naturally, without effort. Change is the natural order of the universe, and so when we let the energy be, as it is, we also let it go. When we fight it we keep it stuck within us.
The answer lies in the question. Wanting things to be different often keeps us stuck. When wanting change is a result of trying to escape what we have now, it means we are fighting our current experience of life. Change motivated by inspiration and what is possible is a space of true creativity and a powerful energy. Change motivated by aversion and the need to escape keeps us trapped. The situation we are in right now is just what it is. To say we want to be where we are not is to argue with reality – it is in its own way insane. Trying to change our experience of the present moment can only occur when we accept it, just as it is. Our experience of life is not determined by what is happening right now, it is 100% determined by our interpretation of what is happening.
An example is a client who says that they do not like feeling stressed or anxious. We have labelled stress, anxiety, anger, frustration and many other emotions as bad or wrong and as a result we try to run away from them. People think happiness is about nice feelings all the time. It is not. Happiness is being able to experience the whole, range of emotions and feelings we have without judgement and to see them for what they are – NORMAL. Once we accept what is, we can truly chose what we want to do. If we do not accept what is, then our choices are narrowed significantly as they evolve around escape from that which we find unacceptable.
The paradox is that once we accept what is, no matter how unpleasant, it loses its power. An exercise I use with clients is to exaggerate and focus exclusively on the emotion that they are trying to avoid. Their instructions are to find time in the day to generate that emotion and keep it strong, with no interruptions from happy emotions for a given period of time. Their job is to create that unpleasant emotion and keep it going. So many clients say ‘that will be easy because I always feel stressed’, but when they try it they cannot sustain it. When the stop trying to fight their experience, it changes, naturally, without effort. Change is the natural order of the universe, and so when we let the energy be, as it is, we also let it go. When we fight it we keep it stuck within us.
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